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If Autons, Gelth and Slitheen weren't enough for both Earth and the Doctor to deal with, he has to cope with the ultimate invasion of Earth.

How will Rose be able to help him, and her own planet?

EPISODE TWELVE REVIEW Spoilers ahead

When the trailer for this episode aired the previous week, my heart sank into my boots and for several seconds I lost the will to live: the Doctor in BIG BROTHER. The spirit of JNT was probably looking down, grinning as he bellowed "That's the way to do it, Russell! Now go all the way and wheel out Ken Dodd!" In short, my expectations were rock bottom: it occurred to me that the new series was perhaps due an equivalent to THE HORNS OF NIMON sooner or later.

As Saturday neared, I thought this would be Clunker City. The episode aired: and my worse fears were confirmed in several respects as the story could be read as a celebration of crud TV. The Doctor put it best: "You've got to be kidding" But the cliffhanger really saved it for me. Ah yes...

Still, as a shameless fanboy, I also picked up elements that reminded me of Hartnell and Troughton at their best (namely, THE CELESTIAL TOYMAKER and THE MIND ROBBER) with the TARDIS crew thrust into a strange environment for no immediately apparent reason but it later becomes clear that they are the subjects of an evil game. The more obvious connection with the shows history is perhaps VENGEANCE ON VAROS (broadcasting executions as entertainment). But this is an exercise that does the new show an injustice because the 21st century incarnation has an unprecedented sophistication.

This story is set 100 years after the events in THE LONG GAME and in the same location (the broadcast satellite where we last saw Simon Pegg and his ceiling-hugging alien blob boss go splat), which by happy coincidence means that the sets can be re-used, of course. Yes, I'm that cynical. But the story told on these old sets crept up on me and held me fast. Rose turns up on the new lethal version of the THE WEAKEST LINK (nice to see Paterson Joseph as Rodrick, the guy has real presence and deserves better than this briefing showing) as Jack wakes up on a magnificently kinky (or plain twisted: "Your viewing figures just went up!") translation of the Trinny and Susannah make-over show.

Davina McCall, Anne Robinson and Trinny & Susannah all provide the voices for their android equivalents and so whoopy-bloody-doo. What will American fans make of this? This approach is very dangerous because, by including the actual symptoms of the crass disease of modern subterranean-market television, it descends from satire to advertisement, not contributing to the solution (working to raise the quality bar) and becoming part of the problem (by in effect promoting its satirical targets).

But there are so many human touches, clever character flourishes and witty moments in this story that my irritation slowly thawed to a genial wince now and then. The sad little question from BB housemate Lynda: "Am I popular?" Jack, stark naked and at the mercy of the two android intent on dismembering him, reaching behind him to produce a small laser pistol --- only where the hell was it concealed ("You don't want to know"). The Doctors obvious affection for Lynda and her reciprocation of his feelings was a nice surprise. Rose spotting the symbolic recurrence of Bad Wolf on her own (without direction from the Doctor). The Doctor declaring " I never paid for my [TV] licence"; again, I wondered what American fans would make of that. Jack's parting quip after blasting the T&S droids, "The pleasure was all mine. Which is the only thing that matters in the end." The Doctor likes telly ("Bear with me"). Rose's apparent death was a genuine shocker to me (unlike most fans, I deliberately avoid a lot of the press coverage and so was not sure whether Rose actually made it to the end of the season!).

One plot twist in particular made my laugh out out loud at the implicit conceit and I am not sure whether Russell was being ironic. It turns out that the Doctors intervention 100 years ago caused a cultural vacuum after he disabled the satellite station because society could not go on with out its electronic mass media - oh really? Gosh, I had no idea telly was that important. Again, this satirical touch can be read a number of ways because the target is not clear.

The biggest revelation - that the Daleks were behind the cultural decay of mankind with a view to turning the human race into a new Dalek nation - was no surprise simply because I could not avoid all the spoilers in the press. Damn it. OK, articles such as this review contribute to the spoiler environment but in this case appear in a medium (a dedicated website) which one would reasonably expect to be the focus of well-informed fans.

As finales go, this episode features my all-time favourite (by a wide margin) cliffhanger in the shows history. If I mapped my enthusiasm for this episode on a graph, it would consist of horizontal line up until the last ten minutes or so at which point the line would shoot up into the stratosphere! My heart jumped when we rejoined Rose (and Billie Piper really is utterly adorable in the part) as she wakes up on a Dalek mothership - the familiar, pulsing electronic throb in the background - and we pull back to see Daleks ... all over the place! This is what a Dalek crew should look like! Tears of joy prickled these tired old eyes: I at least can say that I lived long enough to see the realization of a Dalek fleet on screen!

The finest moment came when the Doctor, faced with the news that the Daleks are going to invade the Earth, using Rose as their hostage, and hopelessly outnumbered, nevertheless lays down the law:

DOCTOR WHO: I'm going to rescue her .. I'm going to save the Earth ...I'm going to wipe every stinking Dalek out the sky! Rose - I'm coming to get you.

This was Eccleston at his best: with that speech, he owned the character.

4/5 - it would have been 3/5 but the cliffhanger made me tingle all over! No, really...

DOCTOR WHO FOLKLORE Pending

DOCTOR WHO FOLKLORE Pending

CONTINUTY We're still checking.