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London is under threat as a alien space-craft crashes in the River Thames next to the Houses of Parliament.

The Slitheen (from the planet Raxacoricofallapatrius) are here.

Thankfully, the Doctor is too.

EPISODE FOUR REVIEW Spoilers ahead

Making a loaf of bread from scratch is an art.

I don’t mean baking a gelatinous, chemical-enhanced, Playdo-style sliced white from WAL-MART but a bread that is flavoursome, textured, not too sweet or salty, crispy and one that has just the right amount of yeast in it for a gradual rise. Too much yeast and the carbon dioxide make for a false economy during baking; rising high and then, in one burst, drops back to create a heavy block of starch.

With ALIENS OF LONDON (AOL), Russell T Davies should have checked the recipe book.

No yeast, out-of-date flour, cold water and gas mark 1. It didn’t have a chance of rising, and match his previously flawless THE END OF THE WORLD.

Even the COMIC RELIEF-style ’gas exchange’ comedy-skit couldn’t help make this fourth episode of the NEW SERIES rise above mediocre banality. Complete with asinine dialogue that makes Davies’ BOB AND ROSE look like TROILUS AND CRISEYDE.

Davies’ has reportedly said that AOL (and this current series of DOCTOR WHO) is for children (ideally, 11 years olds) and has to match (or exceed) their expectations purveyed by video games, American sci-fi fantasy TV shows and big budget movies. Does broad comedy and actors-in-rubber-suits (with balls of human footwear giveaway) sate their appetite?

Admittedly, I’m not 11 so how could give AOL an honest critique? To view it as BBC Drama production is the only objective view.

Throughout, it seems that everyone has purposefully used Super Glue to fix their tongue firmly to their cheek. The acting takes a cue from the alien-augmented porcine visitor - ham-fisted (Perhaps due to the fact that this was the first episode to be recorded in June 2004) and nervous. And the script does the actors no justice. Superficial and unimaginative. And Davies, again, cathartically rams more gay references down the viewer’s throat. Enough, already!

Whilst the script is shoddy (“Its gotta be Ken Livingstone, ain‘t it?” or “Joseph Green, MP for Hartley Dale. Chairman of the Parliamentary Commission on the monitoring of Sugar Standards in Exported Confectionery.”), the visual production is simply stunning - but had to be. Plastic washing-up bottle with bits glued to it, as spaceships have no place in the 21st century.

From the CGI spacecraft buzzing across the London skyline, to the slicing through the Palace of Westminster clocktower, to the alien hot-trotting tottered pig, to the transformation (A zip. Why?) of the Slitheen, to the military missile - professionally precise and creative in part due to the talent combination of Mike Tucker’s BBC team and Will Cohen’s MillTV team.

Complimentary to the (very) special effects is the expertise of cinematographer Ernie Vincze BSC. Whilst the CLASSIC SERIES was frequently drenched with primary colours with the cameras struggling to measure and retain contrast, Vince is the unsung hero, as plain & unassuming views are manipulated into rich tones, succulent and atmospheric vistas. As Director of Photography, Vincze is charged with the ‘final look’ of each episode (working alongside Set Designers & Decorators, and Director); designating the depth of field, choosing the best camera lens and the adoption of camera lens colour filters.

Clearly delineating settings assists the storytelling process. Cooled, chilled blues for scenes within Albion Hospital are suitably saying to the audience, “don’t be too comfortable here”. Soft and warmed Downing Street Cabinet Office affirms that whilst there’s danger outside, inside (with the Doctor in control) it’s reassuringly safe.

A precise art that should been employed more effectively in 1980s CLASSIC SERIES of DOCTOR WHO. Re-view an episode and focus on the work of the cinematographer.

This is Eccleston’s first recorded performance as Doctor Who (yes, read the credits) or, as we know the character, the Doctor. He’s very Troughtonesque. Vehemently anger mixed with clownish humour that diffuses a life-threatening situation (such as squad of armed British soldiers). An acclaimed actor that has grasped the nettle, qualified the role and added a contemporary twist. Since his (real) debut in quintessential nineties ‘Brit-flick’, SHALLOW GRAVE, Eccleston has been hypnotically watchable, and for the first time, since Troughton, DOCTOR WHO has a talent that can equate and handle the iconic TV character of the Doctor.

And for those anal DOCTOR WHO fans, in this episode the Doctor wears a blue jumper.

The Third Doctor, Jon Pertwee always remarked (and not specifically to Davies, as he recounts) that finding a Yeti on your toilet is more frightening than a visiting an alien planet with lots of hideous monsters. The familiar being invaded by the extraordinary. And so, the only gem (cut be not so polished) of the episode is the real ‘kitchen sink drama’ at the episode’s climax as ‘PC Plod’ unzips in Jackie Tyler’s flat (simultaneously the same happening in the Cabinet Room - after the brutal murder of a Downing Street official - and Briefing Room). A stroke of brilliance (not on the part of the writer but Pertwee).

Overall, the bizarre spin of humour and fatuous flatulence detracts from the potential of a credible plotline and impressive visual treatment. Humour should come from situations, not gags. Respect an audience’s integrity to read beneath situations and character dialogue.

One final comment: BBC Political Correspondent, Andrew Marr. A sublimely perfect self-pastiche. If there is such a thing. More please.